Katie: Re-Written
"God, the Great Physician, put on his white coat, snapped on his rubber gloves, and proceeded to slowly and gently (though it still often hurt) dissect the beliefs and values I so confidently held onto..."
Last month I determined that I would use my next blog to share what God's been teaching me lately- but no blog happened. I sojourned across Norway, debriefed with the Discipleship School students and my fellow staff when they returned from three months of globe-trotting outreach, saw those students graduate, and enjoyed a brief reunion of 4/5ths of the YWAM Austria team. But for the life of me, I could not write.
Over the course of a month I started maybe half a dozen blog entries only to stop halfway through, feeling confused and just a little too vulnerable to complete the entry, knowing that I was still in the process of learning the very things I was trying to describe. It's hard to explain something you're still trying to figure out yourself. It seemed I stood in the middle of about ten of these confusing lessons-in-progress.
Thank goodness for friends! What over a month of blog attempts and soul searching could not do for this obviously-external processor, a good conversation with a girlfriend over skype did in one hour. As clarity finally set in, the disconcerting phrase that bounced into my head was, "re-written". Katie is being re-written. Like a book going to an editor, or better yet, a formula being tested before it is sold to the manufacturer, the ingredients that made up the worldview and values of Katie have, piece by piece, been held up to scrutiny and tested.
This may be one of the biggest things God's done in me the whole time I've been abroad in Norway.
I kick myself now for throwing around a quote I saw on an art classroom in college, "To hear nothing but what one finds pleasant to hear is to make a pillow of the mind." It would seem God agrees with whoever said this. Nothing tests you like rubbing shoulders- and joints, and funny bones, all that proverbially sensitive stuff- with people from other cultures on a long-term basis. People who see the world and even understand parts of the Bible very differently than you do.
God, the Great Physician, put on his white coat, snapped on his rubber gloves, and proceeded to slowly and gently (though it still often hurt) dissect the beliefs and values I so confidently held onto and often took for granted... and he tested them. Questions tormented me as my deeply-felt values were challenged by the differing cultural values of the people around me.
Let me just pause to clarify: my beliefs about God, Jesus, the Bible, salvation, etc. are not in question.
I believe that God very much intended to make each of us who we are. If he wanted me to be somebody other than Katie Tomek, he would have done it. He also spent 25 years building me before I came to Norway last fall, and so although we're always growing and changing to some degree, I don't think he intended to delete 25 years of work just because I'm in a new country. So then, somehow I'm supposed to adapt, yet still be myself. The struggle became, "How do I be myself and translate who Katie is into new cultures? What about me changes, how far does it go, and what stays the same?" Piece by piece this was analyzed and tested as my worldview clashed with others in a multi-cultural, non-American community.
The areas that were called into question include but are not limited to: my beliefs about healthy conflict resolution, discerning who to trust, gender roles and stereotypes (especially in regards to me, as I am in some ways a little non-traditional), and the balance between adapting for others and being authentic, regardless of whether it's understood or liked.
Many of these God has given back to me. He confirmed that I can hang onto what he taught me about them. Some others are still getting ironed out in my head. It's been a challenge. I think its very much been an lesson in letting go of the fear of what people think and the need to be liked by everyone- and instead learning to better find my confidence in God's unconditional love.
I wouldn't say I'm completely past caring what people think. I am still as vulnerable to being hurt as the next person- but overall this season has made me tougher and my boundaries stronger. Best yet, as I fully intend to continue working in intercultural settings in many different places, I know this will strengthen my identity and enable me to stand with stability amidst a lot of change and diversity. The culture around me may change, the social rules may change, but the things inside me that I hold onto as fixed and stable will not.
